Do you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own? Is your need to please others secretly holding you back from living a life that truly makes you happy? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us, particularly women, have a strong tendency to please others, and it can have significant consequences.
I will admit that some of my biggest struggles in life have been caused by my need to please others. I have gone so far as to marry someone because I didn’t want to disappoint others, and of course the fall out later was far worse than if I had just been honest in the first place.
Why Do We Please? The Connection to Worthiness.
What would possess confident and capable women to buckle at the thought of others not being pleased with them? The answer is worthiness. Many of us don’t feel worthy of love unless we have earned it. And how do we earn it? By doing something for someone else that makes them happy, or better yet, a whole bunch of other people.
This lack of feeling worthy drives the need for external approval. We believe that by making others happy, we will finally feel deserving of love and acceptance.
People Pleasing Behaviour: The High and the Hustle.
People pleasers all know the high that comes when we are praised for our good works. It is the gold star we work so hard to get. It’s a temporary boost, a fleeting feeling of being enough. But most pleasers also know that the feeling of worthiness is gone almost as quickly as it arrived and we are back to hustling for approval once again. This emotional cycle of seeking validation, receiving it briefly, and then feeling the renewed inadequacy is a hallmark of people pleasing.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
Why are some of us chronic pleasers? Pleasing is a skill we learned in childhood to feel safe. Even if we had a good childhood without any big T trauma, we develop different coping mechanisms to survive and pleasing people is a common way to do that. A child might learn that making a parent or caregiver happy leads to a more secure and predictable environment. This early programming can stay with us, influencing our behavior in adulthood.
The Lie of Better Relationships.
The lie we tell ourselves is that we need to please others in order to build better relationships with them. The truth is that because we are doing these things so they will love us, we aren aren’t actually being honest about we want and need so the relationship is one-sided. We are sacrificing being our real selves in order to keep them happy.
Eventually people pleasers can end up feeling resentment when others don’t reciprocate the same level of pleasing to us. This also damages trust. Relationships built on inauthenticity and a constant need for approval are not truly fulfilling or balanced in the long run.
How to Stop People Pleasing
So how do we stop this insane cycle? What if I told you it’s not that complicated at all? Breaking free from pleasing people is a journey that involves awareness, distinction, and consistent practice. Here are the key steps:
Understand the Critical Distinction:
The first and most important step is to understand the fundamental difference between doing things for others out of genuine kindness and generosity, and doing things for others solely to gain their approval or avoid disapproval.
-
- Genuine Kindness: Comes from a place of abundance and is freely given without expectation of return.
- People Pleasing: Is driven by a need to receive something in return – validation, love, worthiness, or a sense of security.
Recognizing this distinction is absolutely critical to beginning your transformation.
Recognize When You Are People Pleasing:
Once you understand the distinction, you can start to become aware of your own behavior. Pay attention to your motivations when you are doing things for others. Are you acting from a place of genuine desire to help, or is there an underlying need for approval?
Notice the feelings that arise before, during, and after you do something for someone else. Are you feeling anxious about their reaction? Are you experiencing a temporary “high” from praise?
Ask Yourself: “What Would Please Me?”
This is a powerful tool for shifting your focus. When you notice you might be doing something just to please others, pause and ask yourself this simple question.
If the answer is different from what would please them, you know you’re likely acting from a people-pleasing motivation.
This question helps you connect with your own needs and desires, which are often suppressed in people pleasers.
Practice and Consistency are Key:
Living a life free from people-pleasing behavior is not something that happens overnight. It takes consistent practice and effort to build the strength to act in alignment with your own needs and values.
Start with small steps. Practice saying “no” to requests that you genuinely don’t have the time or desire to fulfill.
Communicate your needs and boundaries honestly and respectfully.
Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. There will be times when you fall back into old patterns, and that’s okay. Simply notice it and recommit to your journey.
