Do you feel like you’re constantly trying to control every little aspect of your life, and in the process, no one’s really enjoying themselves? I’ve been there. I like to refer to myself as a recovered control freak, and I can honestly say my life is a lot better on this side of things. It’s especially clear when I see other women still caught in that cycle.
In the Positive Intelligence program I facilitate, we call control freaks “Controllers.” It seems to be one of the most common “inner saboteurs” I see, particularly in women.
What are the Signs of a Controller?
It often comes down to a strong belief that your way is the best way, and a tendency to insist that others follow your lead.
Why Do We Become Controllers?
Many times, people with control issues have gone through tough experiences where they felt powerless. Subconsciously, they decide they’ll do whatever it takes to avoid being in that painful situation again. Controlling becomes a defense mechanism, a way to protect oneself from the possibility of being in a painful situation.
The tricky part is, since almost any situation could potentially become painful, Controllers are constantly on high alert and very busy. They believe they must take charge to guarantee the best outcome, which often leads to pushing and intimidating people instead of respecting their free will. They buy into the lie that they must take charge to ensure the best possible outcome.
Practical Steps to Let Go of Control
Ready to ease up on the control? The first big step is simply noticing when your inner Controller is influencing your thoughts and actions. Once you recognize it, you have the power to choose a different way to respond. Some of the most effective and straightforward approaches involve:
Get Curious and Ask: Ask others for their ideas.
Really Listen: Put yourself in their shoes to appreciate their vantage point and actually listen.
Collaborate: Have a conversation about what you’re trying to achieve and how to work together.
The core idea is to move away from “pushing” others through controlling behaviour in relationships towards “pulling” on collective ideas. You can even ask yourself, “How could this be less about me directing everyone and more about us collaborating and building on each different ideas?”
The Benefits of Letting Go
When you start to release the need to control, you’ll likely see significant positive changes:
Better Relationships: My controlling nature was particularly strong at home with my kids. It was hard to imagine they could know better than me, their mom! But as I’ve applied these techniques and engaged with the Positive Intelligence program, I’ve realized my kids mostly just want to enjoy time with me. So, by focusing on creating fun around tasks rather than controlling them, everyone benefits.
Showing Up Better: It might take a little longer sometimes, but the result is significantly happier kids and a feeling that I’m showing up as a much better parent for my family.
A Happier Life: Overall, my frustration levels have gone way down and life is much more peaceful.
Ready to Navigate Your Journey?
If you’re interested in addressing your own controlling behavior, I’d love to work with you and help you navigate that journey. Book a free consultation with me and we’ll make a plan.
